Heavy

Bit leaden, bit slow. A friend and I are catching up for a chat today, and other friends have arranged for a lovely get-together this evening. I love their company but suddenly am aware that I have little to offer. There's a lot of generosity being shown to me and it's aggravating to feel so flat and boring, as though I can't hold up my end of the conversation, can't spark up and join in properly with everyone else. I've been awake since 7.30 and haven't even loaded the dishwasher. It feels like a stretch to do much beyond sleeping or reading The Lie Tree, (which I am enjoying immensely) bizarre to feel my body and mind this sluggish. There is one I know in similar but far more serious circumstances; respect and feeling for what is happening there, I have no right to be like this given the comparative ease of my situation.

I tell myself I'm being ridiculous, but I still haven't loaded that dishwasher.

To add to my fretfulness, I'm also annoyed because friend 1 and I have/had plans this Autumn; if not a couple of days in Ad Gefrin, at least a day out fairy hunting in Dunino Glen. Plus, there's a really simple piece of work I said I would do for the charity and I still haven't started it. I had vowed to finish it before the end of August, and I've done nothing yet.

Get up get up get up!

Big

So there I was, surrounded by bawdy laughter and stories of love lives and red wine. I was picked up and dropped off, fed cheese and pizza, and told how whatever I needed they would help me; get shopping, be company, go to the flicks, whatever... Gratitude is too small a word for what I am feeling. I am faced with the generosity of the last few weeks, of tonight, seeing people pour it out of themselves without a second thought on line and in real life. And they are so big, big and splendid and kind.