The Excitable Counsellor

[smokingboot]

All rightee, well, keeping things up to date, I am currently seeing a counsellor who specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, because the accepted treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a method called EMDR, and it doesn't agree with me. Today was a big deal, in so much as she wanted us to look at the hotspot in my memories we call 'The Devil's Mask.' What I am about to write may hold triggers for some, so behind a cut it goes and if you are sensitive/vulnerable, please be aware and protect yourself. I do not need you to read this.

It is the most visually horrific moment of the attack: The walls are covered in my blood, the sheets are covered in my blood, and the attacker is covered in my blood...his face is drenched in a wash of blood, pretty much from hairline to jaw, pale red but where it has seeped into his wrinkles and pores the blood is darker, maroon brown, and the smell of iron is everywhere. Then he opens his mouth, and speaks in a lovers voice, soft and low; 'Kiss me.' He repeats it a couple of times. And this is the Devil's Mask; the grotesquerie of him, covered in my blood wanting to put himself inside me and kill me afterwards. But first, a romantic interlude. I'm just relieved he didn't start singing The Girl From Ipanema.

Apparently it is not unusual for survivors to make this connection between the devil and their attacker, the only difference being that, courtesy of a little claret Terry really looked the part. Personally, I am as sure as I can be that there is no devil out there, that it is very human to do so much harm and still beg for acceptance. Still, here it was, staring at me, asking me for a quick snog before my death, asking me to like it, maybe even love it.

Anyhoo, the counsellor decides that I am to make a picture of this devils mask, for we are going to pit it against reality; he didn't get what he wanted,no kiss, no sex, no death,no acceptance, he's in prison, he's not a devil, he's a powerless pathetic junkie. Now here's the method: We are going to make it comedy. So armed with two magic markers, away I go, creating a truly dismal facsimile of his face, teeth and all the wrinkles and blood. There it sits, a childs badly drawn nightmare. Now to remove its power by making it a less scary image...

'We need to put it on a comedic body!' says the counsellor 'Maybe a clown! We could put him in a clown suit! Or a duck? How about a Donald Duck body?' She looked at the eyes, 'We can put those out if you like. The desire comes from the eyes. Get rid of the eyes, get rid of the desire. We can stick a knife in them if you like. And the mouth...we could stitch it right up! He'll never speak again!'

I stared at her. My attacker in a duck/clown suit with knives in his eyes and a sewn up mouth? She and I have very different ideas of comedy. I pointed out my dismay at carrying such an image around in my handbag, though it would certainly take the boredom out of rummaging for my purse. She agreed to keep it until such time as we have 'cleansed' it at which point I am meant to take it to Summerisle home and burn it.

'Don't worry,' she says with a strange glint in her eyes, 'You think this is funny, wait til you see what we do to his penis...'

Comments

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

That sounds surreal (which I guess is kind of the point, to detach it from reality?). One persons idea of funny is another person's idea of sinister so I can see that it will have to be carefully done but I hope it proves more helpful than the other method. x

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I am not quite sure what the point is... but I couldn't help being tickled by the way she reeled off all these modern horror tropes as methods of making a thing comical! Excepting the duck of course...the duck was a novelty!

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

Sorry to be negative but...do you find it helpful? It just doesn't sound...terribly healthy.

Although obviously if it helps you, what the heck do I know?

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I am not sure... she is so bright and chirpy and convinced of her methods, and she's been doing it for years. It was quite a powerful session, but then art's always helpful to me; I like surrealism, grotesqueries and absurdity, (Swear to god I was waiting for her to say, 'Let's put him against the backdrop of an abandoned fairground! And then we'll put him in a straitjacket so he can't even touch you!') I guess in the end laughter must help - I am just not laughing at the mask. I am laughing at what we are doing. Not sure if that is successful healing.

By the way, I forgot to say to you that I read your post on the circle, the centre, joining hands. It was so powerful, I have read it a few times now. Thank you for it.

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

Laughter does sound like a way forwards, wherever it's coming from. We do laughter yoga at work and it's surprisingly powerful. I hope it helps.

I live the circle piece, I cannot claim credit - it's a J Huger piece, and I wanted it as a reading at our wedding, so hopefully we'll have it at the ten years thing.

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

If she can tap in to YOUR surrealism, grotesque and absurdity then I can see that this might really speak to you :D

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I think she has, inadvertently!

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

There is good basis in trauma theory for what she's doing, I think what she's lacking from my point of view is Phenomenology and Relational work. See I would do that, and have done similar things, but I don't make the suggestions unless the client is stuck and can't come up with anything and I give a lot of time to choosing whether or not to do something. And I would grade it much more gently. She seems a bit gung-ho to me. If you are ok with it, fair enough, if not, I don't think I need to tell you, but just in case, don't go along. She aint paying enough attention to your ok-ness so you need to pay extra and tell her when she's missing it.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I think you are right. She's tearing along at a right pace, because we get 20 sessions and she wants to fit everything in. It feels too fast to me, as though there's meant to be a 'Ta-dah!' at the end of it, but the lady is very kind and putting in a lot of effort.

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

If it feels too fast, it is too fast. Better to do one small thing well over the time than lots of things badly. Ta-dah moments are grossly overrated. Especially with trauma. Might be worth telling her it feels too fast. And she should be kind and she should be putting in a lot of effort. That's her job. You owe her nothing for that.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your advice Baggy...truth is, I am going through the motions, just a little bit.