Quid est, Catulle?

[smokingboot]

I had no damn sleep at all. 4.30 am, trying out those ridiculous apps that talk about 'brown noise' and 'green noise' options touted as a soothing antidote to white noise, sounds that will send you to sleep in 6 minutes. 6 minutes! Can't bear any sound for more than two at the most.

Maybe it's those missiles, and what may come next. But somewhere at the heart of this ruthless insomnia there's this; https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/nov/15/death-of-two-year-old-awaab-ishak-chronic-mould-in-flat-a-defining-moment-says-coroner?CMP=share_btn_tw
I read it and I can't believe any of it.

Sometimes I close my eyes because I cannot bear how painful it all is. I close my eyes and hope to sleep but I can't. Now Gove (Gove! Of course, Gove!) is very angry, oh terribly angry at how this could have happened. Strong Gove, fierce Gove, Gove the defender of decency, and by the way, Gove who, back in 2016 along with the usual posse of ghouls, voted against a law requiring landlords to make homes fit to live in. Private landlords are not all evil, I myself have been one. But lack of regulation only plays to the worst, and the worst can kill.

But now Gove's angry, ooh yes, very indignant, yes.

Well, the boy is dead, anger is easy and indignation is as free as the air.

Last night the world seemed such a terrible place, I recalled Catullus 52:

Quid est, Catulle? Quid moraris emori?
Sella in curuli Struma nonius sedet
Per consulatum peierat Vatinius
Quid est, Catulle? Quid moraris emori?

What is it Catullus? Why do you wait to die?
In the magistrates chair sits that malignant pimple Nonius
Vatinius perjures himself for his consulship,
What is it Catullus? Why do you wait to die?

Nuclear Man adored the poetry of Catullus, for which reason I avoided it ever after because if the man isn't bitching about politics or rivals or critics, he's on the horn. Catullus that is, not Nuclear Man, although, come to think of it...

I have to force these things to fade in my mind, or be unable to face a single hour of the day. This morning my mood was so terrible I wondered if this was a triggered onset of clinical depression /suicidal ideation.

But while no poetry can make the tragedy of little Awaab Ishaak go away, if one can hold on to something, anything at all, the pain may lift. And this is where the absurd plays its part. I will dedicate my next post to that.

Rest in Peace little boy.

Comments

[benicek]

Headspace is still better than those cheap noise apps. I've become a bit of an Andy Puddicombe fan.

It's sad that Gove is now one of our better hopes. Ugh.

[smokingboot]

I will look at Headspace. While meditation makes me impatient (!) I need to sort something out.

Gove. That we should have to rely on the likes of Gove! Tell you what though, I have Conservative friends... their Unusual Silence is my consolation.

[mallorys_camera]

Insomnia is the worst.

Is R still away for work?

[smokingboot]

He's been backwards and forwards. Today he returns after a couple of days away.

[mallorys_camera]

When I'm used to sleeping with someone, it's always hard for me to sleep when that someone isn't there. 😀

[smokingboot]

I am generally OK unless something specifically spooks me. Of course, the other issue is that when R's not here I read more, and the news is relentlessly depressing.