If only it was one thing, but no, my irrepressible wit just cannot stop. Finally, under the assault of my gurning vitriol, a co-worker cried Uncle. Apparently every insult was hitting his heart. I made up for it very prettily in a way, but this won't do, I must apologise properly the next time I see him and I am really nervous that he will (quite justifiably) tell me to go to hell.
Remember that conversation on the stairs I had with a chum, the one that startled me somewhat? Well in my attempts to be 'natural' towards him I have become a boorish verbal bully. Many's the comment and critique, cue much laughter from the gallery because I'm such a comedian. At one point I bit his hand. I have lashed the poor guy with so much, I can't even pinpoint one comment, only that it's too much for him and I am on the verge of smashing this friendship to bits because I am on the defensive and I don't know why.
At this point I would probably buy him a drink, or several and fall on your sword.... in other words a direct simple explanation of how uncomfortable you feel and why you have been behaving so oddly, and a sincere apology for behaving like a prat.
But I suspect it is not him you are on the defensive against. Our highest and most impregnable defenses are always against the parts of ourselves we do not want to acknowledge.
Is there someone (completely unrelated to the situation in question) that you trust who you can sit down with and have a long chat and shine a big bright light into this dark corner, and name and shame whatever gremlin is hiding there?
Luckily, I have a few people (yourself included) that I could trust to help me shine a little light. But I have so little time and perhaps a reluctance to look too deeply at what it is that triggers my attacks of jerkdom. For now, I have sent the guy an email just saying, 'Sorry, head's a mess, ignore me...' The dude has inadvertently made me feel vulnerable, and my instant reaction is to mock. Why will take forever to sort out, but my first attempt at discipline has to be to forego the quip-making opportunities by slowing the hell down and biting my lip when he says something that begs riposte.
Vulnerability is a bastard, at the same time the source of our greatest weakness,- self denial, and the engine of learning, which is our greatest strength.
Although it may be a bit of a busmans holiday, you could also try the Tarot for insight.
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Date: 2007-09-01 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-02 10:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-02 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-02 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-02 11:22 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2007-09-02 10:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-02 11:23 am (UTC)Hug.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-03 06:01 am (UTC)But I suspect it is not him you are on the defensive against. Our highest and most impregnable defenses are always against the parts of ourselves we do not want to acknowledge.
Is there someone (completely unrelated to the situation in question) that you trust who you can sit down with and have a long chat and shine a big bright light into this dark corner, and name and shame whatever gremlin is hiding there?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-03 08:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-03 09:18 pm (UTC)Vulnerability is a bastard, at the same time the source of our greatest weakness,- self denial, and the engine of learning, which is our greatest strength.
Although it may be a bit of a busmans holiday, you could also try the Tarot for insight.
Are you Maelstromming?
Maybe catch you there?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-05 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-05 11:56 pm (UTC)Which has been so far the other side of madness that can book cheap flights to go there.....
Or maybe just wear silly clothes and drink too much!
*Hugs back*
Date: 2007-09-02 11:38 am (UTC)